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Joke of the Day

"Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are. - Me, to myself, when I'm fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing."

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"How Does Moses Make His Tea? Hebrews it"
"God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?"
"How many nuns are there in a temple? Nun."
"Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: ""Would you like to hol-"" Leo: ""Say it like we rehearsed it."" Doctor: *sighs* ""And the Oscar goes to..."""
"I had a dream I was a muffler I woke up exhausted"
"A feminist once asked me: ""What's your view on lesbians?"" I responded: ""1080p."""
"What's the difference between pedophiles and acne? Acne waits until you're 13."
"Why did the ""upright man"", a humanoid species, went extinct 70.000 years ago? Because they got homo e-rekt-us."
"When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, ""Sarah Connor?""."