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Joke of the Day

"9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool? Me: Sure! 9: *tells story* Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define ""something cool""."

"I can always count on the local cemetery for free Mother's Day flowers."

"I'd kill for Opie's pizza. Unfortunately, they never deliver. :("

"My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver."

"BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento."

"2 guys walk into a bar... ... the third one ducks."

"when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I'll close my eyes and pretend he's either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height"

"What came first? The chicken or the egg? Humans' ability to classify living organisms."

"Who would win a football game between the 1989 Raiders and a team full of U2 lead singers? Bonos."

"[Baby crying in a movie theater] Me: ""What's his name?"" Parent: ""Ethan."" Me: ""The movie's starting, Ethan."""