121034

Joke of the Day

"My mother-in-law said ""just do what you normally do"" when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward."

"I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter... I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school."

"Every time my daughter drinks juice she says ""cheers"" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences."

"Is my corny pun... A-maize-zing?"

"GARY: ""You wanna?"" BARRY: ""Ugh. Jesus OK."" (Siamese twins deciding to masturbate)"

"Facial scrubs with bits of fruit in them are a pretty big ""fuck you!"" to third world countries."

"""I'm sorry"" and ""My bad"" mean the same thing... Unless you're at a funeral."

"A guy walks into a bar... Alcoholism is slowly destroying his family."

"The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number."

"I use to worry I was a nihilist... but then I realized I don't care."