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Joke of the Day

"I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday. BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food"

"*In church 9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing... Me: [Whispers] So we don't fall asleep 9: oh"

"We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she'd probably kick all our asses in poker."

"I just got done watching the Lego Movie with my daughter. The premise is so amazing... It makes me wonder why the Mega Blocks movie fell apart."

"Pro debating tip: Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high."

"INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if... wat if water was mor like sandwich"

"heres a funny one. womens rights /s"

"The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman."

"Archaeologists digging in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Nuts Experts believe it to be a Pharaoh Roche"

"I called a Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims."