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Joke of the Day

"Hubs: How long has your car been doing that? Me: ? Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight? Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights."

"I want to die like my grandfather . ..peaceful . . . ready to go. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car"

"There once was a man from Dupree, Whose limericks ended on line three. I don't know why,"

"Fuck you, Mike's. It's not ""Lemonade for Grownups,"" it's Beer for Babies."

"What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I dunno, but you should see that son of a bitch hang dry wall."

"Nothing like an episode of ""I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"" to make you feel like a Harvard double major."

"People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face."

"Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She's aaall over me it's crazy. Eel: For the last time barnacles don't count as girlfriends"

"Got talking to a North African girl I got talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours, we just clicked."

"""Can we not have sex tonight? I'm tired"" ""Hi Tired, I'm dad"""