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Joke of the Day

"I thought a vasectomy would prevent me from having babies. But all it does is change the color of my babies."

"- How much for the mobile tampon? - Ma'am? - It's a bit big. - Ma'am, it's a lamb. - Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?"

"You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school. ...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation."

"I made this status nice and short so you can just move onto the next one."

"I was interviewing a guy for a position as a dentist Turns out he wasn't very great at the job. I told him and he broke down crying. He couldn't handle the tooth"

"[At job interview] M. ""No, English is my second language."" I. ""What's your first language then?"" M. ""Emoji."""

"It's afro-carribean day at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it."

"However rich and successful you are, your cat will never see you as an equal."

"The entire history of the universe could be seen as a slow growth, expansion and coalescence of consciousness, were it not for Sarah Palin."

"Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit"