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Joke of the Day
"You don't' have to be upset, if nobody notices you You'd make a decent sniper!"
Next Joke
"I'll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots."
"What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to his wife when she cheated on him? ""May divorce be with you."""
"Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are."
"I just discovered that Australia has a Canada day each year on 26 of May https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Sorry_Day"
"[wakes up & turns to wife] ""I had a nightmare. You died."" ""Aw. It was just a-"" ""Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast."""
"How to sleep: 1. Lay down 2. Dim lights 3. Dwell about literally every mistake you've made in your life for 6 hours 4. Rest for 9 minutes"
"""I high fived a shark, and then we ate burritos."" - Martin Luther King Jr.'s other dream."
"Why do marble statues look so mean? They have hearts of stone."
"Sometimes I get take out sushi and eat it at an aquarium just to remind the fish who's boss."