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Joke of the Day

"Stop leaving the freezer door open! This is why we can't have ice things."

"I live in a bizarre future where a featureless black slab suddenly starts glowing in order to inform me that the world likes my jokes"

"3yo: I want to help! Me: You can help by being quiet. 3yo: Me: 3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!"

"What's the world's longest Ted Talk? How I Met Your Mother"

"How did ISIS do on their French test? They bombed it..."

"I did a striptease for my wife but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room."

"ME: Have you seen my denim jacket? GF: No, but it's okay. Just checked the weather & it's not going to be the 1980s today..."

"Why couldn't the hipster get off? He'd only masturbate before it was hard!"

"Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la"

"What is a hamburger's favourite story? Hansel and Gristle!"