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Joke of the Day

"Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references ""yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids"""

"Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze."

"late night science fact: if u laid out your veins from end to end u would die"

"Welcome to AlzheimersAware.co.uk. Forgot your password? Of course you did."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Its a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it."

"My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids menu!!"

"What do you call a Romanian grocery clerk? Scanthesku"

"Best pick up line I've ever heard Would you mind holding my beer while I go take a shit? ....If she is still standing there. She's a keeper!"

"Did you hear what happened to Lithium? He was arrested for battery charges. Some say he's bi-polar."

"Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?"