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Joke of the Day

"I wish I could remember how the hell I ignored people before I owned a cell phone."

"I don't want to live forever... But I do want to see the end of the DFS* sale. *Insert regional sofa store"

"Today's menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the f*ck up!"

"""My relationship with golf is starting to suffer"" ""Oh yeah?"" ""Yeah.. We're going through a rough patch"""

"She has a weimerhi...wimerrihym....wimmerhie... She has a big gray dog."

"Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey."

"I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences."

"And now the most difficult task known to man: Quickly boarding a plane, stowing your carry-on, and sitting the fuck down."

"Papa tomato, Mama tomato and little tomato, are walking down the street. little tomato is walking a little slow so pap walks up and says... ketchup."

"I went to the library and asked if they had the book about men with tiny penises. She said ""I don't think it's in yet"" I said ""Yes, that's the one"""