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Joke of the Day

"HER: Wow you look great. ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes."

"Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles."

"Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting? ""hey I'm taking a shit but come on in and join me"""

"What can think the unthinkable? An itheberg."

"[At maternity ward] Me: is this where babies are delivered Nurse: Yes Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers"

"*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?"

"A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they're blocked: I'm totally gutted. Well done. You're fierce! You got me GOOD."

"Boss hangs a poster in office I am the boss, dont forget' He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk, ur wife called, she wants her poster back home..!!'"

"What kind of bug wants to buy lawn turf? A gras shopper."

"I fucking hate the Kool-Aid man that guy has such a punchable face"