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Joke of the Day

"A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they're blocked: I'm totally gutted. Well done. You're fierce! You got me GOOD."

"I'm straight, but I'm not ""wouldn't spoon with George Clooney"" straight."

"I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers."

"If you're American when you go into the toilet, and Asian when you come out, what are you on the toilet? European!"

"What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross country!"

"Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like ""Abso-fruit-ly!"" and they laugh like I'm so clever but we both know"

"Why does light travel faster than sound? Because some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"We shouldn't point out other people's grammar mistakes because one day it will be you're turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it."

"Some numbers walk into an Irish pub. 2 orders an Irish Car Bomb. 1 says ""2, please!"""

"""Sorry dad... my cat ripped your sweater"" ""Darn it!"""