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Joke of the Day

"After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance, for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds."

"Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. *Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.*"

"Two dinosaurs walk into a bar.. I couldn't believe it. (Got this from a comedy show)"

"How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework."

"Clearly, who ever said ""more than a hand full is a waste"" never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full."

"I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel."

"Yoga is really kicking in. I'm seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed."

"I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The pinata is unscathed."

"If storks bring white babies and crows bring black babies, then what brings no babies? Swallows"

"My neighbors complain about me throwing my cigarette butts on the lawn but they'll be pumped when a cigarette tree sprouts in the spring"