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Joke of the Day

"""Two can play at that game"" -guy who's confused about solitaire."

"Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal"

"The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend's parent's house and the toilet water was rising... -My best pickup line"

"What is the most sensitive part of a man's body while he is masturbating? His ears."

"Mountains aren't just funny... They're hill areas."

"What's the Ethiopian national dish? Empty."

"I got a new job breaking up suicidal couples. I'm not very good at it, two of them already tied the knot."

"A Native American walks into a busy restaurant. The hostess asks, ""Do you have a reservation?"""

"I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives."

"I was on a date with a girl and she said ""did you notice my finger nails?"" And I was like ""yes"" and she was like ""well I have no arms"""