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Joke of the Day

"I woke up with an erection this morning... I beat it single handed"

"Someone tweets ""pizza,"" I want pizza. Someone tweets ""donut,"" I want a donut. Someone tweets ""kale,"" I want pizza and a donut."

"Yo mama so stupid she tried to put her m&ms; in alphabetical order."

"Why don't Baptist preachers color their hair? They just pray the gray away"

"What did the ill kitty say to the playful puppy? ""Not right meow, I have a headache."""

"I used to have a pet piglet.... I used to have a pet piglet, watching it discover the world was really interesting at first. But after a few months it became a bit of a boar."

"ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung"

"I apologised to my girlfriend last night for not being able to get an erection. There were no hard feelings whatsoever."

"ME: here's your bday present! BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won't budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again ME: just open it"

"I wonder if I could save more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico wasn't paying for so many fucking commercials?"