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Joke of the Day

"ME: here's your bday present! BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won't budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again ME: just open it"

"Whats the best part about sleeping with a midget? You're sure to get a little head"

"Yo momma so fat, when she stepped on the scale Buzz Lightyear popped up and said ""TO INFINITY... AND BEYOND!"""

"So many people say ""if my memory serves me correctly"" and I'm actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory......."

"RANGER: Remember, don't feed the bears ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE'S RIPPING ME APART! RANGER: What did I just say!?"

"Just Googled camel toe, and it said, did you mean Travolta Chin?"

"Sorry if this comes across as offensive... Two dyslexic men attempt to rob a train. One man shouts to the carriage ""Air in the hands motherstickers!"" The other man shouts ""This is a fuck up!"""

"Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. What a sad state of affairs."

"Who's Irish and sleeps on your porch? Paddy O'Furniture!"

"There are two types of people in the world... Those who pee in the shower and dirty feckin liars!"