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Joke of the Day

"I'm still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House."

"You can't ban me from your neighborhood just because I ""look scary"" and ""want to kill you."" That's discrimination."

"[God creating cheesecake] GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good ANGEL: shouldn't u share it? GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]"

"What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Tellings your parents you're gay."

"The advert said, ""Just two pounds a week can help reduce the problem of domestic violence in the UK."" I suppose I could cut down, and only pound the wife twice a week."

"My girlfriend told me that she's sick of me pretending I'm a cat Girlfriend: ""I'm sick of you pretending you're a cat. I packed your bags. I want you to go."" Me: ""Wait, are you kicking MEEEOOWWT???"""

"Partied so hard last night I spilled Kool-Aide on my cocaine Punchline"

"What do you do for a living? I herd cattle. Ah, you're a rancher? No, I'm a Zumba instructor."

"Selling an improved autocorrect? Shut up and take my monkey."

"My dick's like Pizza Hut... Kids eat for free."