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Joke of the Day

"I'm not saying I'm bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot. In other news, I might not know what bilingual means."

"Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level. ME [spinning on chair in daughter's room]: Yo, turns out grandma's heart is weak af."

"What is Donald Trump's favourite ice cream? Walls Vanilla Carte D'or - It's not Mexican! (*I am going to hell for this!)"

"Man found dead midway through masturbating Cause of death? A stroke"

"If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?"

"What happened when the frogs car broke down? It got toad"

"[at the gym] Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro? Waldo: Please don't do that."

"I just embarrassingly ripped my pants open while bowling. Getting a split means something entirely different to me now."

"Oh, Ed! They should come up with something like Uber, but with horseback riding... Maybe call it Wilbur?"

"I picked up an upside down bag of candy and ate it all in one go. I just love W&W's."