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Joke of the Day

"When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider."

"*leans into microphone* My question is for Salt-N-Pepa. ""Hi"" ""Hey"" Hi.""Push It"" is about takin a dump, right? ""No"" ""Nope"" *hands friend $5*"

"If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I'd choke to death swallowing it."

"I caught my wife having sex with another man with the lights on I didn't know had married a man!"

"What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz"

"Ah you love me that's great. Now I'll do a bunch of terrible shit because I need to be sure you love me no matter what"

"Been coughing all day. Can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie."

"I've been all over the web looking for a combination fly swatter/back scratcher. I'm tired of lugging both around all day."

"Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue..... Oh you don't think that will ever be an issue, okay"

"What's the difference between an original joke and a repost? I don't know, I just click ""submit"""