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Joke of the Day

"Q: How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears? A: As many bears as Bear Grylls' grill can bear."

"Is there a scientific name for the state where you're not hungry but you want to keep eating, besides ""awake"""

"*dinosaur at zoo roars at me* ""ROAR"" whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this ""GROWL"" hmm ""SHOUT"" hmmm ""YELL"" hmmmmm ""HOLLER"" oh its a thesaurus"""

"How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I'll let you know if we can be friends."

"[at Red Lobster] WAITRESSES: *run toward me* ME: Red Lobster! WAITRESSES: *stop* ME: Green Lobster! WAITRESSES: *run* MANAGER: Okay, SIR..."

"I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there."

"sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i'm like ""cool"""

"A priest, a child abuser and just plain pedophile went to a bar. And he ordered one drink."

"It's been pretty rough going, but I think I finally beat my crippling addiction to sobriety."

"When you assassinate, you make an ass out of ass innate."