1181

Joke of the Day

"Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*"

"NASA finally completes plan to colonise moon. M:O:O:N"

"This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it ""double bagged""...I said ""No, you're not THAT ugly..."" And that's why I'm not allowed in Target."

"Did you hear about the native American who tried to beat the world record for drinking the most tea? The next day he was found dead in his tea pee"

"look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens"

"What's the difference between Shea Stadium and Sloan-Kettering? At Sloan-Kettering the Mets always win."

"If you're gonna write a 300 word Instagram description for your photo, go ahead & throw a murder confession in there. Nobody will ever know."

"Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly? Daughter: You're old, that's going to happen. Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT."

"A cop pulls over Heisenburg, and says... Do you know you were going 100 miles per hour? Heisenburg then replied, exasperatedly, ""Dammit, now I'm lost!"""

"[funeral] ME: I never know what to say at these things. WIDOW: sorry for your loss. ME: it's ok, I'm sure I'll think of something."