117947

Joke of the Day

"[gets on Facebook] [types ""you pushed me away but expected me to stay""] [everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]"

"I told my physics teacher I had a problem with gravity. But he told me to drop it."

"My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny... So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes i had written about the Victorian era."

"Bill Gates Asked Arnold Schwarzenegger if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10, he replied: I still love vista, baby."

"Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question...... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard."

"I saw a woman breastfeeding her baby on the bus today... And the lady beside me started freaking out. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best time for a wank."

"I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I'll look before I lie down on the couch."

"If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine. But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane."

"*Girl comes out in a slinky dress* ME: Ooh that looks like fun *I push her down the stairs*"

"Today I went to the convenience store to pick up some condoms. When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked ""Would you like a bag?"" I replied ""No, she's not that ugly"""