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Joke of the Day

"[gets on Facebook] [types ""you pushed me away but expected me to stay""] [everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]"

"This is what I say to people who are against abortions Don't get an abortion"

"""I hate being half bicycle, half motorcycle"" he moped"

"What was wrong with the homeless guy's IPad It was missing a home button!"

"How do hobbit flowers grow? Through Frodo-synthesis."

"What is the scariest part of a cavity search? When they put both their hands on your shoulders but keep searching"

"I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home I found out that all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am."

"""I just really need a good man to fill the hole"" *100 men come running up ""In my heart."" *100 men run away"

"guys calm down squirrels invented parkour"

"My girlfriend and I use ""laundry"" as a code-word for sex. Her dad asked me why I couldn't do the laundry by myself so I told him ""it's a big load""."