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Joke of the Day

"[baby takes its first steps] me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you're going away for a long long time."

"""You are what you eat"" I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance"

"There was no Mrs. Noah & the ark was lonely, thus explaining the evolutionary mishaps you'll find at Walmart."

"Nooo shit...me buying too much stuff?! My wife was complaining about the fact that I'm buying too much useless stuff on the internet..... So I sent her back to Thailand."

"I don't want to sound too impressive, but my Sims character gets laid PRETTY FREQUENTLY."

"Judging by the mess in the living room. Babies don't bounce."

"Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday."

"Stephen Tyler looks like he's made from leftover pieces of Mickey Rourke."

"What do you say when someone makes a racially insensitive comment? That's insensitive, you retard."

"[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill] Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally. *sits down on a chair* Me: Okay."