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Joke of the Day

"2 Goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks ""Do you know how to drive this thing?"""

"Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?"

"Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship."

"Me: Got your nose! Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here."

"What happened to the girl who went fishing with a group of men? She returned home with a red snapper."

"Listening to ska is like a bad hand job... It's all upstrokes"

"Step 1: Have Android phone - Step 2: Say ""Ok Google, what are people from Phoenix called?"" You're welcome"

"ancestry dot com told me my ancestors were ""A Shit Ton of Sketchy Raccoons"". bullshit. i didnt pay 50 bucks for something i already knew"

"So my doctor told me I need to stop eating so much... But I don't think I can just quit eating cold turkey."

"[Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino."