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Joke of the Day

"Don't take it personally if I don't like you. Some of my best friends are people I don't like."

"Refugees do the jobs no one wants to do. Like being a suicide bomber."

"""All the single ladies... All the single ladies... All the single ladies..."" - list of girls who wouldn't talk to me in high school"

"From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working."

"Today I made an immigration officer laugh He was borderline hysterical."

"The best thing about abortion is.. The best thing about abortion is that it brings out the kid in you."

"Did you know light travels faster than sound? That's why some people appear bright (until you hear them talk)."

"I tried oscillating once. Not a fan."

"where do y'all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club? ""THE BOG OF DESPAIR"" Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don't get to pick anymore"

"I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay."