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Joke of the Day

"Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her Bartender: Oh yeah? Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th ::rushes home::"

"ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting."

"What do you say when an episode of explosive diarrhoea turns into a round of smooth poop? What a wondrous *turd* of events."

"So I was walking down the street the other day, and saw this black guy... carrying a tv. At first I thought, ""Hey, that looks like mine!"" But then I remembered mine is at home shining my shoes."

"What do you call a wheelchair bound Leo? HanDicaprio. ."

"I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons."

"A Man walks into a Zoo The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu."

"How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? Step one: Open the door. Step two: Put the elephant in. Step three: Close the door."

"If I was the editor of a magazine, I would put gametes on the cover Because sex cells."

"Why does green think yellow is such a slut? Because yellow blue red."