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Joke of the Day

"Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa."

"I'm never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme."

"What's the absolute worst city to live in? An atroCITY."

"This guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder... and the bartender says, that's a pretty cool lizard, what's his name? The guy says, ""Tiny, because he's minute"""

"Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver."

"A fly just blew up in my room I'm scared it might be a Jihadi longlegs"

"[at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have? ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human"

"Why did God make four cheeks in the human body? he made an ass of the first two."

"Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom."

"I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend."