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Joke of the Day

"Me: You've dimmed the lights already, aren't we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen."

"My sister had a baby today. I think I've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has."

"Can we all stop pretending that alcohol tastes good?"

"Sex with my ex was like Disneyland. I'd have to wait in line for an hour and a half and when it was finally my turn I wasn't big enough to get on the ride."

"Im so fucked up i wrote 3 tweets into my phone and texted them to the Hurricane Katrina fund."

"[with father in law] ""You know how to pluck a goose, son?"" Er yes sir, sure do *stretches goose's neck and plays it like a double bass*"

"I can't wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it."

"I've never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car."

"If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, They're lying."

"What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your ass."