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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device."

"I think this is the weekend to finally tell my parents I'm straight."

"I'm giving up, folks. Years of letters and phone calls making my case quite articulately but they still won't give the Muppets nipples."

"In Tesla Motors you... Don't drive car, car drives you."

"What does David Bowie get at the supermarket? Can-cer"

"What has five bodies and one soul? A Kia full of Gingers."

"What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat"

"How did the OBGYN win the election? He was able to stirrup some controversy about his opponent with his effective smear campaign."

"What's the best part about being an orphan? All your chips and candy bars are family sized."

"French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six. Me: Where's the 5th? FG: Cinq."