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Joke of the Day

"How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie."

"When I smacked Dwayne Johnson's ass... I really hit Rock bottom."

"Well this should spice things up. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me."

"Whenever someone jokingly replies, ""Blocked,"" I laugh and laugh and then go check."

"Candy cigarettes are a gateway drug to rock candy."

"This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I'm literally just pressing buttons."

"I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot. ""Arrrr...it were on sail.'"

"What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A Quarter Pounder with cheese."

"Everytime I text my new boss, his only response is FU! I should have expected it. They all told me he was a man of few words."

"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."