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Joke of the Day

"Just got a call from the head of Twitter (Paul Twitter). He says great opinions everyone, he's looking forward to more opinions tomorrow."

"Pinocchio was going down on his GF, she started yelling lie to me, lie to me. Pinocchio:"" i love you""!"

"POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]"

"It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced."

"There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon"

"What did Helen Keller name her dog? akjnveoajknoea"

"What do you call a learned spider? A webdesigner"

"/r/jokes in a nutshell... Why did the police officer arrest the pop machine? It was selling coke."

"What does a ninja and a muslim woman have in common? They're both invisible."

"prayers by believers to a ""Sweet Jesus"" imply additional deities: Sour Jesus, Salty Jesus, Umami Jesus and, most frighteningly, Bitter Jesus"