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Joke of the Day

"ME: I give you all my love and infection. HIM: Um. Don't you mean love and 'affection'? ME: ... HIM: ... ME: You should get tested."

"Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic? Because everything that stays there just ends up dying."

"GIRL NEARBY: I'm breaking up with you, Kevin. You don't talk about Pokemon enough. [I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]"

"My friend told me that I didn't know the meaning of the word ""ironic""... ...which was ironic, because we were at the train station."

"Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz? Because the exit doors were coin operated."

"""What were you before you came to school boys and girls?"" asked the teacher hoping that someone would say ""babies."" She was disappointed when all the children cried out ""Happy!"""

"I just broke up with my girlfriend. It's okay though she said we could still be cousins!"

"My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons."

"Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won't give you more than you can handle."

"Sometimes I want to get married just so I can have something sad to tweet about."