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Joke of the Day

"[at a bar] *creepy dude is hitting on me* Me: you wanna get outta here? Him: yeah Me: cool. I would love it if you left."

"*sees guy buying toilet paper* ahahaha that's gonna be for poop"

"I'm tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can't wear a ski mask in a bank"

"I used to be addicted... to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around (x-post from /r/jokes)"

"A man walked into a bar... ...and stayed there my whole childhood. ^:("

"Have you seen the new movie, ""Constipation""? It may not have come out yet."

"Q: How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, ""man, I could do that!"""

"I told my parents that I wanted to be a comedian for a living and they laughed at me I guess I'm off to a good start"

"Just ONCE would I love to see a girl I know in a porno"

"Every time I eat fast food I have the thought 'It's kind of ok if I die. People die.'"