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Joke of the Day

"What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool? Show me your mussels."

"Q: What do they use frozen band-aids for? A: Cold cuts."

"People shit on Columbus like they've never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there."

"Why did the carpenter join the army? Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant"

"Should America make China the 51st state so we can get better access to Chinese food? I'm so sick and tired of Panda Express."

"I love you like a fat kid loves anything that will make him forget that his dad physically abuses him."

"Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor"

"I read a story by a pregnant woman on reddit She was having trouble with her pregnancy, and she said she would post an update after it was over. OP delivered."

"Eastman School of Music Fart Scale circa 1963 (no kidding - I did not make this up) In order of increasing pitch: Fahhrt Fuzz Fitty-Fuzz Poot Tarass Rattler"

"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? ""Breathe you idiot! Breathe!"""