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Joke of the Day

"What's the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a dumpster and hitting an accordion with it."

"What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium -old but good"

"Just when I think I'm 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots."

"[pulls into taco bell drive thru] Hi, I'd like enough tacos to forget 2016"

"Garbage day. When you find out which neighbors are drunks by how many bottles they throw out holy shit this one still has something in it."

"Q: How do you make an idiot think he's a duck? A: Tell him he's a duck."

"Hillary Clinton has been frequenting a new restaurant, reports say. I guess the main appeal of it is her own private server."

"A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. ""Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. ""Yes,"" replied the murderer. ""Will you hold my hand?"""

"You don't need to hold a girl's hand during an abortion... There's a handrail next to the toilet."

"Apparently, ""I had an interview with a better company"" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work."