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Joke of the Day

"ME: So. You from around here? HER: Yes. You're in my bedroom closet."

"Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren't in my house"

"[Stock market crashes] ""Oh no, I better check on my investments!"" *opens cupboard over top of the sink* [1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]"

"If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don't think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser."

"The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't"

"Did you hear about all the butterball turkeys that got recalled? The balls weren't buttered. Thanks to my grandpa for that one. It's his annual thanksgiving joke."

"I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing."

"Who invented the equation? A X-pert"

"What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk? A star-spangled banner"

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same."