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Joke of the Day

"[Stock market crashes] ""Oh no, I better check on my investments!"" *opens cupboard over top of the sink* [1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]"

"A family Checks in to a Hotel The father goes to the front desk & says ""I hope the porn is disabled."" The guy at the desk replies. ""It's just regular porn you pervert."""

"Global bee population is drastically dwindling, what can they do to save themselves? Pretty simple. They need to learn English and say Let us bee!"

"I don't believe in telling little girls they're beautiful. Or little boys. Anybody, really. The human body is truly disgusting."

"What's Putin's new favorite song? Crimea River"

"It's 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I'm still writing 2014 on my checks."

"I had no idea Instagram was down until a girl in front of me at Starbucks cancelled her order, saying ""Instagram is down it's useless"""

"Why can't you smell Bran (spoilers) He's hodorless"

"How do Asian women test for pregnancy? Put a Rubik's Cube in the vagina for exactly one minute and see if it comes out solved."

"I was trying to make a text art dinosaur today. I can't ever get the teeth right. I only seem to be able to do them ASCII-dentally."