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Joke of the Day

"I don't see the point in my elderly neighbour subscribing to local newspapers ..... If all she is going to do is let them pile up outside her door."

"*Fakes Phone Call* ""Yes a thousand doves please....well give me pigeons and i can paint them white"" (cups hand over phone) ""I plan weddings"""

"You can be the most beautiful woman on the planet but if you can't cook don't worry I can"

"I think one of my dads might be gay..."

"Why aren't healthy drive-thrus a thing? I want an egg and a grapefruit and a latte and I don't want to get out of my car damn it."

"What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed? Sleep on the sofa."

"Why does waldo wear stripes? So he isn't spotted."

"Oh baby, were not going to need a 'do not disturb' sign. We're going to need a 'please don't call the police were fine' sign."

"I lost my job today ""What? How?"" I just wasn't a good housekeeper ""BUT YOU'RE A BEEKEEPER"" Well that explains all the screaming"

"What's the tragedy with little people? They lead such short lives."