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Joke of the Day

"I'm fantastic in bed I can stay asleep for 15 hours!"

"I just read that the average person spends 2 weeks waiting for a traffic light to change. Fuck that. I'd run it after 3 or 4 minutes tops."

"What is hitlers favorite letter? I'm not sure but I can tell you it's not z"

"Why is Rosie O'Donell fat? Because she likes to eat out!"

"Me: *disappears for a few weeks* Friends: *No concern* Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB* Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?"

"Strangers on a Train"

"Running away doesn't help you with your problems Unless you're fat. Then yeah, run."

"I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos, but it's so hard..."

"Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent."

"Since 3D is so popular, all my tweets will be in 3D from now on. But you have to supply your own glasses."