111712

Joke of the Day

"I met my newborn neice for the first time last night and she didn't even remember me this morning. Bitch."

"I'm not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick."

"Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics how to ruin the people!"

"My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer."

"I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said ""Classy"" and my brain leaked out of my ear."

"I don't have a problem with idiots... I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection."

"Would I miss my leg or my arm more? (me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)"

"""We're not so different, you and I,"" Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper."

"Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?"

"I went to a car show but there were nothing but Fords I guess you could say it was a real Ford Fiesta"