110283

Joke of the Day

"If only humans were more like me, smart and wise and- *I get surprised by the toast I forgot I was making*"

"Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok."

"What did the dead person say the skeleton... ""You're a numbskull."""

"Most companies try to make new cutting edge technologies... Samsung goes for the burning strategy"

"so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!"

"Why are lawyers and their clients not allowed to engage in sexual relations? So the client doesn't get billed twice for getting fucked twice!"

"baby moses: [crying] mum: ""why wont he stop"" dad: ""throw him in the river lol"" mum: ""okay"" this is from a book called the bible"

"Half the time I hug anyone I'm just wiping my hands off on their back."

"Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is that mine? I thought. It looks exactly like mine... but that can't be... Mine should be at home cleaning my shoes."

"Why are ISIS fighters afraid to join the TEA Party? They're afraid they'll be audited by the IRS."