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Joke of the Day

"""Life isn't fair!"" is an ironclad excuse for treating people like crap."

"My abs are so perfect... ...that i keep them safe and sound under a protective layer of beer belly."

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple."

"My girlfriend told me her head hurt. I said, ""No it doesn't, I really enjoy it."""

"What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name You didn't hold the pillow down long enough."

"*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*"

"What happens to donkeys in the winter? They change into brrrrrro's."

"There were two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, ""Wow, it's really hot in here!"" The other says, ""Holy shit! A talking muffin!"""

"3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret ""What it is, sweetie?"" 3: [shouting] I POOPED! ""Do you know what a secret is?"" 3: [whispering] no."

"The Chemical Formula For Water Teacher: ""What is the chemical formula for water?"" Student: ""HIJKLMNO."" Teacher: ""What are you talking about?"" Student: ""Yesterday you said it's H to O!"""