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Joke of the Day

"5 years ago today, I quit drinking And 4 years, 364 days, and 12 hours ago today, I started again"

"Me: ""Bond."" *lowers sunglasses* ""James Bond."" Cashier: ""You've been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?"""

"me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*"

"Before saying anything like ""you have really soft hands for a man"", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man."

"What is Al Qaeda's Favorite Football Team? The New York Jets."

"Why is the mushroom so popular? Because he's such a fungi."

"What do a redneck and hippie have in common? They both hate the government."

"Why did the Jonestown jokes never catch on? The punchlines were too long."

"Why does it always have to be ""he's addicted to drugs""? Why can't it be, ""he's passionate about drugs""."

"What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker? If the rubber snaps, you're screwed"