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Joke of the Day

"Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper, ""Like you mean it."""

"I was going to copy and paste a joke but then I cut it"

"So I brought a girl home from the bar last night... When we got to bed, she said ""Give me twelve inches and make me bleed!"" So I fucked her twice and punched her in the face."

"Apple recently changed the gun emoji into a water pistol emoji... Meanwhile Microsoft has just changed their toy blaster emoji into a real gun shots fired i guess"

"As a male college student, the only thing that's disappearing faster than my money... is my Kleenex."

"""I'll hand you your change in the most inconvenient way possible!"" - Cashiers"

"The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing"

"Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32"

"Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years."

"Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn't have to end at work."