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Joke of the Day

"Biotechnologists should invent a totally transparent groundhog. It'd look creepy as hell, but spring would come early forever."

"You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches.. But hey.. That's just Hawaii roll."

"I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping."

"People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don't worry about it!"

"[inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU"

"Why do Central Americans hop the U.S. Border in groups of 4 or more? Because the sign says no tres-passing."

"The number of things I feel compelled to sniff before I buy, is slightly embarrassing."

"The Job Interview: HR: So you are bilingual? Me: Si HR: In your native tongue please. Me: Ooga Booga"

"Never judge Darth Vader's parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists."

"Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn't quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church."