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Joke of the Day

"GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled WOODPECKERS: We didn't get anything GOD: Oh. Uh...just pound trees with your face"

"What's black and is on top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a housefire."

"What did the greek cow say? "

"I told my boss that I wanted a raise. The boss, like a jackass, replied, ""How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?"" ""About five gallons of gasoline,"" I replied."

"This year's Oscars are just like Zero Dark Thirty. We know how it's gonna end, but let's all pretend it's suspenseful."

"This whole time I thought 50 Shades of Grey was a coloring book for dogs"

"I'm building an exercise machine for Ray and Dave Davies. I'm still working out the kinks."

"How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, or two? Three, or four?"

"Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he's my twitter husband. Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone."

"Baller is short for ballerina"