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Joke of the Day

"Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car? [presses key button] [tiny orange light flashes on the moon] god dammit"

"Hear about the lady who backed into a fan? Disaster"

"I used to collect old broken pocket watches.. But now I barely have the time."

"I won't help a customer with their problem until they've been completely dehumanized."

"- We buried my mother-in-law yesterday. - Sorry to hear that. When did she die? - My guess would be sometime this morning."

"You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number"

"Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive. 2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn't tell anyone else that they were vegan."

"What did the bishop say to the priest? It's my turn."

"Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they're called iPumaPants."

"Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it's not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it."