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Joke of the Day

"A programmer heads to the shops His wife says ""grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"" He comes home with twelve loaves of bread."

"My goal in life is to be as chill as Forrest Whitaker's left eye"

"Someone called me racist for saying ""black paint"" Apparently the politically correct term is ""Tyrone, please paint the fence"""

"""And make it obvious."" -what I assume some ladies getting plastic surgery say"

"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months I don't like to interrupt her."

"""More like LOTION pictures!"" - awkward conversation in an adult movie theater before the show starts"

"I said to my GF ""Please get me a newspaper."" ""Don't be silly,"" she replied ""you can borrow my iPad."" That spider never knew what hit it!"

"What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?"

"During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter"

"Since we're at it: Dating in your 30s is like registering a domain name... The good ones are all taken. But you can always get one from an exotic country..."