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Joke of the Day

"[walks into bookstore] Me: do you have any books on turtles? Worker: Hard back? Me: Yeah, with little heads."

"Doctor doctor I'm having difficulty sleeping. Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed. Oh I'm all right at night it's in the day I have problems."

"Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks ""Is there anything else I can do for you?"" whisper ""Smile for the camera, I'm watching you"" & hang up."

"How long does it take a tweaker to go shopping? An hour 5 minutes for the Ramen noodles and foil. 55 minutes to fix the squeaky shopping cart wheel."

"Two cows are standing next to each other in a field... Daisy says to Dolly, ""I was artificially inseminated this morning."" ""I don't believe you,"" says Dolly. Daisy exclaims, ""It's true, no bull!"""

"I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says ""May contain almonds."" What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?"

"I'd really, really love to adopt a kid some day. Abort* Sorry, I hate auto correct."

"What does Tickle Me Elmo get before he leaves the factory? Two test-tickles"

"Donald Trump has banned shredded cheese. He's going to make America grate again."

"Darth Vader showed up to Luke's party uninvited. Talk about a foe pa."