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Joke of the Day

"Knock knock... Who's there? I did up. I did up-who?"

"My work has this cute thing they do where if you're really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too."

"[throws dirty diaper away] - OMG WHAT R U DOING?! - it's gross im not touching that - GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT! - ugh, fine"

"How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints"

"Did you hear about the man who died at the spaghetti factory? He's with the angel hair now."

"Women are always complaining about wanting a boyfriend... And when I offer they act all repulsed and tell me to get out of their house before they call the cops for breaking in, women am I right?"

"[at my grandmas house] MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we're at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey"

"The package of this pie is labeled ""Apple,"" yet these are clearly cherries. I'm not sticking my dick in this."

"TIL TIL means TIL"

"A man walks into a doctors office with a duck on his head... Duck says ""doc, you gotta get this guy out of my ass!"""